Book Of The Month: Y - The Last Man

A lot of the usefulness of the internet is hearing recommendations from people whose tastes are similar to yours. But you can just as easily ignore those recommendations or you can reject things that people like you have already declared as wack. Other times you stumble upon something on your own and those are the rarest of gems.

Such is the case when I stumbled upon a comic book called Y- The Last Man listed in article about movies stuck in development limbo. More interesting than the fact that the movie isn't being made is the fact that they wanted to make it a movie in the first place. And it was a comic book that's not about superheroes those are usually really good or God awful.

So here's the premise, there's a guy named Yorick and his pet monkey Ampersand that through some freak occurrence end up being the last living males on Planet Earth. Over the course of 60 monthly issues the mystery of the plague that killed all the men is unraveled. It's pure science fiction but it could just as easy be another variation of the zombie genre except in the case crazed horny women stand in for the zombies.

The book spends a lot of time discussing heavy issues in a lighthearted way. The main character is compelling in the fact that although he has some skills and isn't a total moron he's far from a hero of any kind. He's mostly obsessed with finding his fiancée who happened to be in Australia when the plague struck. He's escorted by black female secret Agent 355, and an Asian female geneticist who believes she may be able to cure the plague by discovering what kept Yorick and Ampersand alive while all the other men died.

It's book like this that fly under the radar while the editors at DC decide Superman or Batman is going to die again, and the editors at Marvel say let's create an alternate universe where Spiderman is a gay, black and Hispanic at the same time. Adults who find themselves in need of a break from the men in tights should check for books like this and the Walking Dead. The movie may have been cancelled but after reading this it feels like its better suited for a TV show anyway.

Winning Isn't Everything : The Whitney Houston Story

I talked a little bit about this when Amy Winehouse died, but money and success are not the cure all for your demons. And sometimes having fame and money and power only gives you the tools to indulge the worst parts of yourself. I famously said Amy Winehouse's death changed nothing with regards to the way these stars are viewed and treated. Whitney Houston's death does change something though. Because as much as we like Amy Winehouse she became a problem almost instantly. Whitney however descended from heights that Amy could only dream of.

It would be disingenuous of me to list Whitney's career highlights, there's no information I can provide that you can't already get from Wikipedia or Google so I won't just reprint a bunch of facts that you can find elsewhere. But I will say I never noticed how many Whitney Houston songs I actually liked. Before this I would have never told you I was a Whitney Houston fan. I would have told you she was one of the G.O.A.T.s of R&B but I wouldn't have translated that into fandom.

But when they started playing all her videos on MTV JAMS this weekend I realized that I'm a huge fan. There wasn't a single song in her video catalog that I didn't like. It hit me like a ton of bricks, Whitney Houston was an essential piece of my 80's baby soundtrack. As essential as MJ, more essential in some ways, because we had to share Michael with the baby boomer generation that he grew up with.

As far back as the mid 90's Whitney began to gain infamy for things not related to her talent. Her diva-esque behavior became legendary, her tumultuous marriage to Bobby Brown, her nonstop partying and drug use etc etc. Because of this marriage to Bobby and his own legendary rock star status bad boy personality they became one of the early super couples at least a decade before Beyonce/Jay-Z.

It got to a point where the headlines regarding one almost always featured the other. As a result Whitney's descent from America's Sweetheart into drug addled rock star was blamed on Bobby Brown by many. People like to pretend that Bobby Brown was just a thug from the mean streets of Boston who corrupted our sweet angelic lil Whitney and destroyed her life. (I like to call this the Mary J. Blige/ Ki-Ci Hailey theory). But I call bullshit on that. As evidence I'd like to point out the fact that since they broke up Bobby has mostly kept his shit together, while Whitney continued with the shenanigans and recruited Bobbi Kristina to replace her ex-husband as co star in the freak show of drug addiction.

I do believe in personal accountability. But it's not that simple when it comes to addiction. There are actually genetic factors that predispose someone towards having an addictive personality. Ask any mental health professional or social services worker, there is definitely an alcoholic gene. Ask me if I have it and I'll tell you my diabetes gene has nipped my alcoholism gene into bud (mostly).

Another question that I have posed before is whether or not the drug addiction itself is a symptom of another disease. Is there some inner pain or torment we don't know about that caused Whitney to constantly crave the highest moments of life? We'll never know as Whitney will take a lot of secrets with her to the grave. She skirted the issue of her addiction famously stating that "crack is wack" because it's not an expensive drug and asking if she spent all that money on crack "where are the receipts?" (because every drug dealer I know files itemized taxes).

A lot of people have expressed concern for Whitney's daughter Bobbi Kristina. One can only hope that the pain of her mother's passing will eventually serve as fuel for her to renounce the demons of drugs and alcohol as she continues her journey into adulthood. But don't be shocked by the headlines. I guarantee there will be plenty of headlines, her parents were two of the most melodramatic people on planet earth she barely has a choice in the matter. We should respect her privacy however should she defy the odds and choose to lead a life away from the spotlight that blinded her mother.

I encourage you to illegally download your copy of Whitney's greatest hits. Before you get angry hear me out. Let's not support the greedy overly corporate and exploitative record industry titans Sony and Apple as they attempt to profit from pain, death, suffering and sorrow. You see they've raised the price of Whitney's greatest hits by 60 percent. I don't mean to encourage bootlegging but use any alternative means of getting those records you remember so well, including borrowing each other's cds and ripping them into iTunes yourselves.

Whitney Houston could be called many things both flattering and unflattering. But she could never be called a loser. Her list of achievements is too numerous to catalog in one blog. Her amazing talent cannot be quantified. Her voice was powerful enough to turn the most clichéd lyrics into heartfelt sentiment. Unlike most artists she covered for the songwriters and not the other way around. Whitney Houston was a winner. However as the old adage goes: Winning Isn't Everything.

I'd Rather Be Alone.... No Really

A few moments to quietly reflect on the state of your life is a luxury that even the poorest person in the world should be afforded. Unfortunately some people find themselves living a life devoid of reflection. Some people haven't used that area of their brain so long that that muscle has atrophied. Others are simply overwhelmed by outside circumstances that they fail to inspect the one thing in the world that they have absolute control over which is themselves.

The worst kind of person is a self deluded individual that doesn't recognize their own flaws. You don't have to be self deprecating and blast them to the world but you should at the very least be cognizant of the areas where you could stand to improve. I know several individuals some friends and some non-friends (I'm starting to dislike the word enemies because it implies that this person is somehow on equal footing with me when that isn't necessarily the case). What these people both have in common though is an inability to change and adapt.

It is in my nature to reflect constantly. I am an introvert. I don't live for the party any more, and even when I did I really didn't. I posted a long time ago about how I do better in smaller more intimate environments. I'm not "anti-social" per se, it's just that the large crowds have extremely limited appeal for me. I do like to go to an occasional event and take it in for awhile but if it weren't for my friends I would probably be the dude to show up at the party just to be seen and bounce to a diner. Don't get me wrong I enjoy parties but it takes a lot out of me just being around a lot of people. There's always a baseline of anxiety that I'm seeking to relieve myself from. I feel like the few occasions where I let my guard completely down are always the nights when some random bullshit pops off.

Am I shy? Well it depends on the day and the time. Recently I was waiting for a table at a restaurant and I heard a stranger ask a question that I knew the answer to, but I hesitated to answer it and in that moment of hesitation I lost the nerve to speak up. If I'm going to do something like talk to a stranger I have to have a strong impulse its not something I can contemplate or premeditate or think about in anyway.

When I meet people now they are surprised if they ever learn (because I tend not to share it) that I used to be an emcee. How could the reserved, stiff, dry person before them have ever got up on stage and presented himself to crowds? How could someone who hates judgment so much have risked being called wack by the extremely fickle hip-hop community? When I think about it, it really is a miracle that I even attempted it. And I did it for years. And I was happy to do it. What I failed at then, and struggle with now is selling myself as a product.

I can express myself all day any day if you are willing to listen. That's why I blog, and tweet but barely touch facebook. (I got a whole post about how much I hate facebook brewing in the nether regions of my mind). But I don't know how to convince people who are already indifferent and probably leaning toward not listening that they should. To put it short I need a street team like a muthafucka.

The benefits of being a person who thrives on solitude and depth are an ability to navigate through the madness and see the truth. I'm a word problem/complex logic kind of guy. A word nerd with some math skills in other words. The drawbacks of my social awkwardness are a tendency to huddle at home at times when others are out connecting. I'm wondering if it could be a problem that I used to merely be comfortable being left alone and now I find myself actually preferring it.

Debunking "Crabs in a Bucket"

The crabs in a bucket theory used to explain the lack of progress of African-Americans in modern society is just one of many theories of our people that are based on faulty premises. Crabs in a bucket goes something like this: if you put a bunch of crabs in a bucket you don't have to worry about any escaping because if one looks like he's going to climb out the others will grab its leg and pull it back in. This is the perfect metaphor for a group of people who by default seem obsessed with "haters". Yes I'm a hip-hop head but this is one of the downfalls of hip-hop culture we spend all day talking about ways to spite the people who don't like us. That's detrimental and counter productive.

The reason why the "crabs in a bucket theory" holds no water is because unlike crabs you get to choose who you are in the bucket with. Let me elaborate. If you surround yourself with negative people doing small things then yes there is a good chance that they will try to become an impediment to your success. But there's a difference between somebody not liking you and somebody being able to stop you. If you succumb to the peer pressures of a group of people destined to lose than you only have yourself to blame. Stop hanging with crabs.

I think the main issue with African-Americans is that we don't know how to proceed. There are some super successful people who say worrying about why things got this way isn't as important as overcoming all the barriers put in your way. Me personally I believe there is a time and place for everything and everyone. There are some people who lack the patience required to examine the socioeconomic plight of a whole race of people. And to those people I would say the best way to help is to just be successful yourself so you can be a positive example to other people who come from where you come from. However if you consider yourself an intellectual of any sort it is totally disingenuous to blame the victim for the crime. "Crabs in a Bucket" and other theories of that ilk are like when a slutty girl gets raped. Do you tell her not to report the crime because obviously she doesn't respect her body anyway?

Make no mistake about it a great crime was committed against our race. And somehow someway we've been taught that it's wrong to dwell on it, or shine a light on it in anyway. At first we were supposed to act like Abraham Lincoln solved everything, then we were supposed to act like Martin Luther King, Jr and Malcolm X solved everything. And now they'll point to Obama and say "yup that proves you guys are up to speed now".

This false thinking has permeated us to the point where we find new and convenient ways to mask our self hatred. We let Bill Cosby preach to us from a pulpit about all the bullshit we do to hold ourselves back when he was conspicuously silent back in the tumultuous days of the 60's 70's and 80's when blood was being spilled in the street on the behalf of our rights. Other equally self-important and self-righteous black people will tell us to "stop blaming the white man for everything". I for one am sick of the house nigger stump speech.

I don't blame the poisoned for being poisoned. I don't diss "welfare queens" who exploit and badly designed system. I don't blame bad parents who are the children of bad parents. I don't blame incompetent teachers for turning schools into standardized tests factories. Ultimately the blame lies with a simple fact. People that look like me aren't regarded with the same respect solely based on the color of the skin and the zip code where they rest their heads at night. We are still consumed by a system that was designed mostly to benefit people of a certain class. Its just so happens that most of the people in that class are not black. And never will be.

We will never make progress if we don't stop lumping all black people together. Sorry we are just too diverse a group of a people for that information to mean anything to us. The only thing stats about black people are useful for are for highlighting the institutional racism and subconscious prejudices that are still evident amongst Mainstream (aka white) America today. But highlighting a problem isn't the same as solving it. Ultimately the problem of racism will be solved by weakening the influence of the racists. Not by shaming them into admitting that blacks are treated unfairly.

Forget about the other crabs in a bucket, even if you make it out you still have to deal with the fishermen.

Book Of The Month: Persepolis

One thing I'm working on fixing is the way I view foreign cultures. In America we are taught all history even world history from a whitewashed perspective. And when world events happen our news media can't help but reinforce this "how does this affect good white people" bias. One event which was not taught well in any school I've ever attended was the Islamic Revolution of Iran in 1979.

The Shah of Iran who was basically a ruthless dictator inserted by British and American Oil Interests (here's looking at you BP) created such a disparity of wealth between the elite and the have-nots that a huge backlash created enough momentum for fanatical, militant, religious clerics to seize control of the country.

We learn about this briefly. We don't always realize that Iranians once enjoyed similar freedoms as us. All we know is terrorists and Ayatollahs. Iran was the bad guy before Iraq. They held Americans hostage and blah blah blah . Basically we don't know anything at all about the Islamic Revolution. It's embarrassingly obvious after reading this month's book of the month Persepolis.

Persepolis is a memoir by Marjane Satrapi who happened to be a child growing up in Iran during the time of the Islamic Revolution and the Iran-Iraq War during the 80's. Americans probably only focus on the Iran-Contra affair and completely forget about the war that was at the root of that controversy. Whenever we hear casualty estimates for wars we usually on focus on the number of U.S. troops killed. The fact of the matter is that most global conflicts are relatively painless for the average American. To get a first hand account of how war and imperialism devastate civilian lives we almost always have to turn toward a foreigner.

This book is a bonus as teaching aid as well because it's a graphic novel. You might not be able to get the average student to give a shit about World History but if it's in comic book form maybe they'll at least read the damn thing. The illustrations are comparable to an average daily newspaper comic strip and the stories contained within have enough humor to balance out the tragedy of the average events.

By the end of her tale it's almost ridiculous how easily a child her age got accustomed to seeing people she knew, family members, neighbors, and schoolmates, killed either by the overzealous regime in Iran or the bombing campaigns of a U.S. backed Iraq military machine. (Yes Saddam and Bush were friends once). What this book does is remarkable it combines my love of history, the 80's and comic books and I come away learning what life was like for the other side. After the piss poor history education we get in U.S. schools this was enlightening.

Sorry, Tim Tebow Still Sucks

I didn't do a weekly Eagles post this season on my blog, mainly because going into the season I knew I was going to miss a pair of games. (Due to my honeymoon in November). But rest assured I'm as passionate an Eagles fan as ever. So I've decided to dedicate one blog post as sort of an Eagles postmortem, now that the playoffs are underway. I'll tell which team you should root for to win the Super Bowl and why.

As any sports fan will tell you there's a difference between being a fan of a team and being a fan of a particular player. For instance I'm a fan of Calvin Johnson but I detest the Detroit Lions. And I was a fan of Warren Sapp but I never liked the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the Oakland Raiders. That being said I'm a huge fan of Desean Jackson but I think he needs to go see what he's worth. I will continue to root for Desean Jackson if he finds himself anywhere outside of the NFC East. I wouldn't mind seeing him in a Jacksonville Jaguars uniform, or better yet an Indianapolis Colts uniform. He would be missed here in Philly and the fans might try to murder Andy Reid if the Eagles get off to another bad start in 2012. In my heart of hearts though I know it would be for the best in the long run for Desean Jackson's career.

This year as the Eagles got off to that really bad start, I found myself more and more concerned with my fantasy football prospects. I did a post way back in the beginning of the season about how well I drafted. And you know what? I was right. E-Unit took home the trophy this year. My final roster consisted of Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowski, Dwayne Bowe, Brandon Marshall, Antonio Brown, Jeremy Maclin, Maurice Jones-Drew, Willis McGahee, and Darren Sproles, as well as a few others. Most of the dudes in my league still don't want to give me my props though. Maybe next year when I take all their money again they'll finally admit it.

Speaking of not giving up props, I'd like to address this Tim Tebow guy. For those that don't know (shout out to my sister) Tim Tebow is the Quarterback of the Denver Broncos. First let me start by saying unequivocally that Tim Tebow sucks. Yeah yeah winning record, yeah yeah playoff win, blah blah blah. If you watch First Take with Skip Bayless on ESPN he'll tell you we hate Tim Tebow because he's an outspoken Christian idiot (as if he's the only Christian in the history of sports seriously does he think we live in Saudi Arabia), and he's also a white quarterback who gets props for doing things that black quarterbacks do. (Also don't you think it's ironic that Tebow's prayer kneel is a gross imitation of the famous sculpture "The Thinker" since praying is the opposite of thinking).

But that's not why I hate him. It's because we finally got rid of Brett Favre and now we have to deal with another overrated QB whose name is gonna get mentioned anytime he farts. Nobody deserves the amount of Press coverage he got in a season where 20 other Quarterbacks were just as compelling.

Yeah I know it's boring to talk about Tom Brady being quietly excellent up in New England. We act like Aaron Rodgers is supposed to be great, like it's a given just because he won the Super Bowl last year. *Sigh* (Warning: backhanded Giants compliment) Eli Manning didn't set a record for interceptions this year. And Drew Brees record breaking season, well those damn skeptics say that can all be attributed to the new rule changes that help offenses, right? Okay what about Cam Newton who had a record breaking rookie season? Or T.J. Yates in Houston, or Andy Dalton in Cincinnati? How come these guys aren't household names? Well it's because they actually play the game well, so when they win it isn't a miracle.

Tebow's story is so compelling because of how horrible he plays the QB position. That's why his moronic fans love him. Also he's not afraid to be stupid. He is to football what Tyler Perry is to filmmaking. If he beats the Patriots, that'll be the equivalent of Madea's European Vacation beating Avatar 2 at the box office.

Eagles fans, should root for New Orleans to win it all. Why? Because New Orleans is the city in the playoffs that has the most in common with Philly (with the exception of Baltimore and I refuse to root for an AFC team). With that said I'm going to sit back and enjoy the rest of the playoffs. I wish my team was in it but they're not. They'll be back next year though. And some of these current playoff teams will prove to be one hit wonders. (Broncos, Giants, 49'ers, Texans). Oh and a healthy "Eff New York" to all you punk ass Giants fans. Peace.

The Microscope

Ever since my high school Biology class I've always thought the microscope was the perfect metaphor for enlightenment. Science is the observation of the natural world. We are given only a limited range of vision. Therefore our observation of the natural world is handcuffed by the physical limitations of our human form. Microscopes are tools that enhance our vision by increasing the range at which we can observe the natural world.

Before microscopes our best tools to make conclusions about things beyond our natural range of vision were inductive and deductive reasoning. These two methods are very useful but at the same time not all people are gifted with the correct combination of imagination, rationalization and self awareness required to engage in critical thinking. Microscopes help average people (students, scientists, etc) who aren't necessarily great thinkers. Now you can see with your own two eyes that there are really really tiny organisms. You don't have to think in the abstract when discussing viruses and bacteria. Because if it's one thing that people suck at it's thinking in the abstract. To put it another way if there were no microscopes you probably wouldn't wash your hands when you went to the bathroom.

Most people don't use microscopes outside of the required classes in high school. So every New Year these people make Resolutions without regard for the connection between those kinds of Resolutions and the kind of resolution used to define the clarity on your television or computer screen. Metaphors are not in most people's wheelhouses. So although you listen to Jay-Z you probably have no idea what he truly means when he says "I'm focused man!"

I don't like New Year's Resolutions because they are tiny admissions of defeat. They are weak promises that are almost always broken. They are testaments to our inability to follow through. It's a way of saying I know I'm not good enough yet. I'm either too fat or too weak or too poor. It's a big arrow pointing directly to the source of your unhappiness. So instead of making Resolutions, you should change your resolution. Meaning the clarity of your view of the world.

When using a microscope there are two ways to change the resolution. You can use the coarse adjustment knob for when you have trouble seeing anything. You should use the fine adjustment know when your almost there but things are still a little blurry. If your life sucks you may want to turn that coarse adjustment knob. But if you are on the right track you may want to just hit that fine adjustment knob. Either way your view of the world has to change before you have the proper motivation to change yourself. If you have a weight problem for instance you don't really have a weight problem first and foremost you have a problem with the way you view your weight. Your perception is your reality, maybe you should take a good look at yourself. Should you through out the scale and get a new mirror? Or maybe you just need a microscope. Happy New Years.

Book of The Month: Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson

People toss the word icon around today so much that it's losing its true meaning. Much like the words "swag" used to describe someone with no style, class, substance or composure or "reality TV" when used to describe abnormal people doing atypical things in a staged setting without any of the pressures that real people face. But when discussing Steve Jobs if you don't say the word Icon with a capital "I" at least once you're selling dude short.

Steve Jobs was Mark Zuckerberg before Mark Zuckerberg. He's so narcissistic that it fueled his drive to success. Any obstacle he encountered he felt as though it could be overcome in a unique way by him. Simply because he was him. But narcissism isn't logical and in addition to leading to a lifelong dissatisfaction with others and inability to process failure it ultimately contributed to his untimely death from cancer earlier this year.

This book spends a lot of time describing Steve Jobs prickly relationship with family, friends, enemies and peers. At times you wonder if this book was written for the specific purpose of raining on the parade of all the amateur eulogists who didn't know Steve Jobs personally.

I like the way the book details Jobs' failures just as extensively as his successes. In our culture we tend to mythologize successful people to the point of making them infallible. But Steve Jobs quite honestly was an asshole based on all accounts in this book. As a young man with unconventional vegan dieting habits that sometimes crossed that thin line into full blown eating disorders. A man who refused traditional treatment and surgery for cancer that was caught early enough to make a difference. He was forced out of his own company but the executives that he recruited to run it.

Steve almost lost his "cautionary tale" status. You see his arrogance and unconventional business practices became his downfall during his initial stint at Apple. But then he helped Pixar become the top animation studio in the country. And then he returned to Apple and resurrected and revamped after they had lost their status as a consumer electronics company in the late 80's/early 90's and became a producer of niche products.

Steve's return to Apple will undoubtedly become the stuff of legend at business schools around the country and cause a whole generation of failures who think they're smart enough to be as successful while flaunting all the rules the way Steve was. However, in my experience it's best not to think outside the box if you're barely adequate thinking inside the box.

Where the cautionary tale restarts is with the diagnosis of cancer. The author of the book and Steve's friends and colleagues make many mentions of Steve's "reality distortion field". The basic principle is if you ignore the degree of difficulty of a task it becomes almost a forgone conclusion that you will accomplish it. Which is of course a false gimmick on the level of self help gurus and that stupid fucking book "The Secret". A little bit of self-delusion is necessary to give yourself confidence especially in a world where so many people fail miserably at life and don't even realize it. However when your self-delusion stems equally from your white suburban entitlement as well as the fact that you've succeeded so much in the past it can get dangerous.

Getting a person like Jobs to just take the chemo and/or surgery prescribed by conventional doctors to treat the cancer was an impossibility. Someone who can appreciate the hard science of technology would seem foolish to ignore it in the context of medical advice. But Steve lived and died defying expectations. But don't take my word for it, read the book it's really quite interesting.

The Top 100 Hip-Hop Songs of 2011

This is a straightforward list of hip-hop songs that ruled my iPod this year. No preamble here they are:

1. Spend It – 2chainz feat T.I. (this song was already crazy then Tip jumped on it #charliesheen #winning)

2. I’ma Boss – Meek Mill feat Rick Ross (this song may have been out in 2010 but it became a phenomenon in 2011 like planking)

3. 6 Foot 7 – Lil Wayne feat Cory Gunz (when that white couple performed this on youtube I knew weezy was on to something)

4. Jay-Z & Kanye West – Otis (Jay-Z it’s okay to not be old sometimes thanks for this record)

5. She Don’t Want A Man – Curren$y (yet another classic song about nailing somebody else’s chick)

6. On My Level – Wiz Khalifa feat Too Short (probably the one track on rolling papers I can deal with)

7. Thousand Poundz- Cyhi Da Prince feat Pill , Pusha T (if there was a God everybody would have heard this track by now, cyhi’s verse is incredible)

8. Enemies – Saigon (Saigon perhaps he should have dropped this in 2007 but whatever it still bangs)

9. Run D.M.C. – Young Jeezy feat. Freddie Gibbs (who wasn’t rooting for these two in 2011?)

10. Ronald Reagan Era – Kendrick Lamar (all my 80’s babies I mean people actually born in the 80’s not the 70’s please stand up)

11. That Way – Wale feat Jeremih (how about a radio single for the ladies that doesn’t make me wanna rip my eardrums out thanks Wale)

12. Hustle Hard – Ace Hood (Dude was very creative with his flow on this track so much so that every rapper who freestyled to it had to copy it exactly)

13. Yonkers – Tyler The Creator (this song was already sick but the video made it worse dude was playing with a cockroach)

14. She Will – Lil Wayne feat Drake (the song everybody loves to hate, at this point I cant tell if Weezy is killing it or not)

15. Ric Flair – Killer Mike (this song bangs and the ric flair samples are classic)

16. Coming Out Hard – Money Making Jam Boys (what Truck Turner’s verse though? wait Dice Raw’s verse though sheesh )

17. Marvin Gaye & Chardonnay – Big Sean feat Kanye West (if I wrote this song it would be called Mobb Deep & Hennessy and it would be about fighting)

18. Can’t Get Enough – J.Cole ( Yeah this is like Caribbean Cruise music)

19. My Sub – Big K.R.I.T. (this shit makes me wanna put a system in my whip but until then I’ll give the factory speakers some work)

20. Get of My P.P. – Action Bronson (that raw NY ish the game needs right now)

21. Rock N Roll – Raekwon feat Jim Jones & Ghostface (truly one of my favorite tracks this year)

22. Ghetto Dreams – Common feat Nas (Can you ever really count Nas out though?)

23. Chain Music – Wale ( This dude is all over the list, if he wasn’t I’d be fronting)

24. House Party – Meek Mill feat Young Chris (Count how many times Meek Mill pops up on this list if you want to cuz I’m not )

25. 666 – State Property ( It was good to hear at least a partial reunion of the prop even though the version I had has a corny DJ screaming all over it)

26. Rob Me A Nigga – Freddie Gibbs feat Alley Boi (a song about what these guys would be doing if they weren’t rappers, I’m sure their neighbors are greatful)

27. Hustle Hard Remix – Ace Hood feat Lil Wayne, Rick Ross (you take one of the best songs of the year and throw Wayne and Ross on it, good idea)

28. The Hex – Random Axe (this was a banner year for independent hip-hop )

29. Rich and Black – Raekwon feat Nas (Rae and Nas two of raps titans uniting for the first time since Verbal Intercourse)

30. Feeling Myself – Pusha T feat Kevin Cossom (this is a great summertime track plus the hook cracks me up “I’m feeling myself….. PAUSE!” )

31. The Ride – Drake (this song is very smooth and as the title implies it’s great for the ride home from work)

32. Bait – Wale ( Mostly for the video but naw the song was hot too)

33. Open Your Eyes – Pusha T (the illest fucking sample “Bohemian Rhapsody” what!!!)

34. Letter to My Ex’s – Ace Hood (Less bitter than Weezy’s “how to hate a bitch” )

35. Nore Shot Somebody – Noreaga (Nore took a sample of an interview and clowned his homey Prodigy for dry snitching, funny but a banging track as well)

36. Woopty Doo – Cyhi Da Prince feat Big Sean ( it’s great to hear two underrated lyricists trade bars)

37. Watch The Reaction – Killa Kyleon feat Pimp C and Lil Keke ( A lot of people still don’t know about Killa Kyleon, I suggest you educate yourself immediately)

38. Wild Boys – Machine Gun Kelly feat Waka Flocka Flame (Yeah I appreciate white people who know their white and have fun with that shit)

39. Y’all Don’t Hear Me Tho – Fabolous feat Red Café (What Else!!)

40. Novocaine – Frank Ocean* (technically it’s an R&B song but it thumps so it made the list)

41. R.I.P. Story – The Game ( you probably don’t remember this track but go check your itunes its crazy)

42. Zombie Land – L.E.P. Bogus Boys feat Lupe Fiasco (L.E.P. Bogus Boyz are a bunch of gang members from Chicago who happen to rap, all their songs make you feel like you’re witnessing a few double homicides in a grimey stairwell inside Cabrini Green projects)

43. The Type – Curren$y feat Prodigy (Curren$y has this ability to take your favorite lines from other rappers and turn them into hooks)

44. Good Girls Gone Bad – The Game (Game is a surprisingly deep and versatile rapper but then those who cop his albums already know that)

45. On The Corner – Smoke Dza feat Bun B, Big K.R.I.T. (Big K.R.I.T. is the best thing out of Mississippi no offense to David Banner)

46. Tony’s Story – Meek Mill (wait listen to this story, like close your eyes and imagine it, pretty ill right?)

47. HiiPower – Kendrick Lamar (this is like a black power anthem for young dudes who never saw Malcolm X)

48. Blankin Out Remix – Rapsody feat Jean Grae (two chicks on their underground lyrical ish)

49. Trouble on My Mind – Pusha T feat Tyler The Creator (Pusha is versatile although most of his rhymes are about drugs he sounds good on any beat, and Tyler is over favorite weirdo)

50. Lights Please – J.Cole (I was rooting for cole even when others weren’t so sure I’ll go ahead and admit it)

51. Brunch – Action Bronson (my favorite white rapper….ever)

52. Everything That Glitters – Pusha T & French Montana (French hooks Pusha’s verses)

53. HYFR (Hell Yeah Fucking Right) – Drake feat Lil Wayne (you can’t deny these two make good music)

54. Lotus Flower Bomb – Wale (yet another radio track for the females that doesn’t suck monkey balls he should teach a class)

55. Stand Still – 2Chainz feat Cyhi Da Prince (two rising ATL stars come together and rep for their city and Cyhi absolutely BODIES this verse no seriously you gotta hear this shit)

56. Judgment Day – Money Making Jam Boys (my philly dudes repped hard this year)

57. BET Hip-Hop Awards Cipher Shady 2.0 – Yelawolf, Slaughterhouse, Eminem (yeah I’ll give Em his props but it’s truly Joe Budden who owned this cipher)

58. The Cool – Chevy Woods feat Wiz Khalifa (Chevy Woods mixtape was the only place to hear the “good” Wiz Khalifa this year)

59. Breakdown – J.Cole (real introspective type ish)

60. Burn – Killer Mike (cuz political rap doesn’t have to be corny and preachy)

61. I’m On One – DJ Khaled feat Drake, Lil Wayne and Rick Ross (certified summer banger)

62. Shot Caller – French Montana (this dude is gonna be all over the place in 2012)

63. Four – Alley Boy feat Young Jeezy, Yo Gotti and Trae The Truth (this song was on like 50 different mixtapes)

64. Round Of Applause – Waka Flocka Flame feat Drake ( amazing that drake doesn’t sound out of place on these “down south” beats)

65. Jet Luggage – Greneberg ( I said it before I’ll say it again 2011 was a banner year for independent hip-hop)

66. Based 4 Ya Face – Lil B (dude is very comical and not at all a serious rapper but 9th wonder killed it with this beat)

67. Nasty – Nas (The god teased us with a gem reminiscent of Thief’s Theme)

68. Tupac Back – Meek Mill feat Rick Ross (I know he’s on the list too much but he killed it this year)

69. Tip The Scale – The Roots feat Dice Raw (this album dropped very late in the year but it had bangers)

70. Sweet – Common (well I guess if you going to diss somebody unprovoked you better come hard)

71. Snow Go – Young Jeezy feat Slick Pulla (it was a long wait for TM103 but The Real is Back held us down)

72. Pesos – Asap Rocky (yeah this song was in iPod since I stumbled upon it earlier this year)

73. Niggas in Paris – Jay-Z & Kanye West ( cuz I’d be lying if I said this song doesn’t rep 2011)

74. Harsh – Styles P feat Rick Ross & Busta Rhymes (put this on your playlist you probably slept on it)

75. The Rush – Coke Boyz (the hooks on this mixtape were infectious)

76. Time Machine – Big K.R.I.T. feat Chamillionaire (if anything it proved that chamillionaire isn’t a total cornball)

77. God In The Building II – Killer Mike (almost makes me a believer)

78. I Do It – Big Sean (don’t front on dude’s wordplay he says something that makes u laugh on every track)

79. Ballin – Young Jeezy feat Lil Wayne (you think you ballin cuz you got a block…)

80. Marvin’s Room – Drake (aka the haters anthem a very influential track nonetheless )

81. I’m Flexin – T.I. feat Big K.R.I.T. (the king is out of jail this time without all the apologetic bullshit)

82. Don’t Fuck With Me – Pusha T (y’all don’t realize how dangerous of an emcee this dude is)

83. Dopeman – Fat Joe feat Jadakiss (cuz who doesn’t enjoy a beatles sample)

84. Gasolean – 2 Chainz (very catchy track with a trippy low budget video)

85. Ricky – The Game ( he made us remember boyz n da hood just in time for the 20th anniversary)

86. Double Burger W/Cheese – Lupe Fiasco (yeah I know the title is corny but this is exactly the kind of creative shit that was missing from his lame ass album)

87. Blue Sky – Common (yeah I like that optimistic happy stuff sometimes)

88. She – Tyler the Creator feat Frank Ocean (this song was just weird then the video dropped and it became scary)

89. Black Cocaine – Mobb Deep (It was nice to hear Mobb Deep back together on that eerie shit)

90. Dance (A$$) – Big Sean (a strip club anthem gone mainstream)

91. Rigamortis – Kendrick Lamar (I won’t explain this track to you if didn’t hear it download it)

92. My Homeboy’s Girlfriend – Freddie Gibbs (story about banging his homey’s chick I hope none of you can relate but if you can you’re grimey)

93. Make It Stack – Lloyd Banks feat Asap Rocky (this track bangs)

94. Headlines – Drake (this song tore up the radio but it’s ok cuz it doesn’t suck)

95. Frick Park Market – Mac Miller (okay okay I admit I like this track)

96. Black Sheep – Mafew Ragazino (if you don’t know educate yourself oh and Harry Fraud is producer of the year too)

97. WWW – STS (one of the money making jam boys had an unexpected banger on his solo mixtape)

98. No Arm & Hammer – Gunplay (the hook on this is track goes “No Arm & Hammer in my Hanna Montana” and if you love ignorant rap as much as I do that’s pretty much all you need to know)

99. Martians Vs Goblins – Game feat Lil Wayne & Tyler ( nice collabo)

100. Pacman – Pill feat Rick Ross ( yeah Pill was the third wheel in the Maybach Music signings but he’s still nice)

God Is A Unicorn

If you want to call me an atheist I guess I'll have to accept that. Because I don't believe in any God at all, then yes I guess I'm an Atheist. But I don't like the word atheist because of what it implies. You see the A in the word Atheist is actually a prefix. It's the same A from the word Asexual or the word Apolitical. As you should know Apolitical means someone who has no strong political point of view. Asexual means someone who has no desire for either sex. So Atheist would mean someone who has no God. That automatically implies that there are Gods to be had. When there are none. There are no words to describe someone who doesn't believe in Unicorns so why should there be a word to describe someone who doesn't believe in God?

My lack of a belief in God is forever intertwined with my personal rejection of Christianity, but they are really rooted in two separate and distinct eras in my life. I rejected Christianity fairly early as soon as I was able to reason. When someone taught me about Greek Mythology and said "this was their Religion". I immediately said "Is our religion a myth too?" I remember not being reassured by the answer. For years after that Church alternated between being a social thing, a chore, a tradition and a way to hedge the bet in case there was some chance at all that I was wrong. At the age of 14 I decided after a lengthy discussion with a friend at church about why Cypress Hill was devil music that I'd rather be down with the devil cuz Cypress Hill was way better than Kirk Franklin. I've never officially thanked Cypress Hill for giving me the courage to quit church. How fitting that the lead rappers name in the group is B-Real.

I've decided there is no God at all fairly recently probably about 5 years ago. But I was teetering on the edge of Agnosticism for so long. I was afraid to clearly express my atheism because being a black man in America is tough enough without alienating your own people. But what I failed to take into account was the shitty lives most so-called Christians lead. It's actually pretty easy being an atheist in the black community, because you won't find too many people actually about that Christian shit. I mean yeah they might go to church, and praise the lord and all that but I fail to see most people put those principles into action. Be for real and ask yourself does God factor into any of your day to day decisions. Probably not.

Then you have those people whose whole lives revolve around the church. Yeah I'm talking about old people. I love em to death but I could never tell them the truth about how I feel. It's painful and awkward to talk to people who have spent the better part of their long lives shuffling into church to pray to a God that doesn't exist. Who am I to tell them you've been wasting a good portion of your long distinguished life worshipping nothing? So you'll understand me a little if I don't go hard in the presence of old folk. If any old people are reading this blog, let me first say how impressed I am that you know how to work the computer. And secondly now that I've shared with you the secret that God isn't real, don't let that dissuade your from participating in any church picnics. The community needs pie damnnit!

I get told I'm disrespectful whenever I express my TRUE feelings about religion as it relates to my people. I think it has a disproportionate influence on the culture. It's a primitive point of view tailor made for a world that doesn't exist anymore. What's particularly distasteful to me as a black person is that Christianity is the nonsense we were spoon-fed as slaves to satiate our hunger for understanding our plight. It's much easier to bear our suffering as a people if we can say it's just some sort of test for the next life. That's right Christianity is psychological chitterlings. (Feel free to pronounce that 'chitluns'). And until you liberate your mind from it you haven't fully shed the shackles that were placed on your ancestors all those hundreds of years ago.

But even those that chose to cling to their religion do so many things to contradict their own beliefs everyday. The next time you lie, cheat, or steal or do something dishonest, the next time you take the lord's name in vain, or say something rude, or refuse to help, or engage in any number of selfish self-serving activity, you might as well believe what I believe. Because despite the fact that you call yourself a Christian, apparently God is just as irrelevant to you as he is to me.

This post was partially inspired by --à http://www.essence.com/2011/12/02/real-talk-black-atheists-on-the-rise/

Year of The Ninety-Nine Percent

2011 will go down in history as the year of the ninety-nine percent. From the Arab Spring to the Occupy InsertYourCityHere Movements we saw the underdog stand up for themselves. What can you expect when people feel like through no fault of their own they have nothing to lose?

Is there any moral to this story though? The one percent are just doing what one-percenters do right? They consolidate power, money, and resources up to and exceeding the acceptable standards of society. In America, the extremely rich exercise undue influence by bankrolling both political parties to the point where candidates are beholden to whole sectors of industry just to be competitive. In other countries like Libya, corruption is much more visible and less sophisticated but it's basically the same system, with a little more violence and less tolerance for dissent.

What kills me about the whole Occupy Wall Street movement is when people in the same situation that I'm in disrespect the movement. They say things like "They should have to fill out at least one job application a day" or "They need to take a shower and stop complaining". When people say things like that they sound like they don't remember being 20 years old and uncertain about the state of the world. I guess the critics don't remember that feeling they got when they realized the American Dream is a mortgage in default. The problem is our education system in the U.S. is still a propaganda machine. Instead of telling young people the harsh truth, that "you need to do better in Math and Science to remain competitive in the global economy" we tell them "You can be anything you want to be, just go to college". They get out of college and realize their degree in 19th Century French Literature is not in high demand. As a result you have a whole generation of janitors, shoeshine boys, and airport workers with college loans.

So I'll say I'm in support of the occupy movements with one caveat, if you're thirty or older and still haven't figured it out for yourself don't blame the one percent. You've had over a decade since high school let's just be real. Even if you didn't go to high school, you could be managing that Burger King by now.

As for the Arab Spring, I've said it before and I'll say it again, we're so lucky that President John McCain wasn't in office. His combat boots would have landed firmly on the side of the status quo and America's "allies" in Tunisia, Egypt, Yemen, and Syria. The whole Libya thing would have been messier and more drawn out and we might be engaged in World War III. The biggest knock against Obama seems to be that he seems dispassionate and aloof when governing as opposed to when campaigning. Well I for one prefer the intellectual approach when it comes to foreign policy. We tried it the other way and we still haven't recovered.

While I won't be protesting anything anytime soon, what I can do is be inspired to hold a thousand tiny revolts in my personal life. And I'd advise everyone to do the same. You may not realize it but ninety-nine percent, is mostly everybody. And probably everybody you know. Because the one percent don't talk to people like you unless you're the checkout girl at Neiman's.

Book of The Month: BMF: The Rise and Fall of Big Meech and The Black Mafia Family

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/bmf-mara-shalhoup/1100560500

A lot of rappers like to say “my life is like a movie”. And the movie most rappers are referring to is Scarface. They love Scarface because while they expect to experience all of the highs, the money, the drugs, and the women, deep down inside they know they are just rappers and they’ll never have to face Sosa’s death squad.

But criminal masterminds do exist and inevitably the criminal underworld often collides with the world of the hip-hop stars they inspire. Nowhere is this more evident than in the case of Big Meech, who was infamous enough to have been mentioned in the hook of a top ten billboard hit by Rick Ross. *(Last years Blowin .Money Fast. featuring Styles P). This hit either started or accelerated a feud with the rapper Young Jeezy who was actually an affiliate of Big Meech and the B.M.F. crew.

When reading this book by journalist Mara Shalhoup you won’t find many embellishments or exaggerations most of the accounts are taken firsthand from the criminals themselves, law enforcement agents, or cooperating witnesses. However the details are sensational enough that no embellishments are needed. Big Meech’s life and career are so interesting it makes the fictional exploits of The Wire drug kingpin Avon Barksdale seem tame in comparison. Indeed if people on the street were given a synopsis of The Wire and a synopsis of this book and asked which one was fictional I’m sure this book would be chosen nine times out of ten.

This book details the glamorous side of drug life in detail, the cars, the mansions and the sheer amount of money being spent and laundered through various businesses. The political connections, hob-knobbing with sports stars (Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley were subpoenaed in relation to the prosecution of one of the witnesses), and of course the hip-hop culture itself are also explicitly detailed. Want to know the true story behind Gucci Mane’s troubled career and sometimes violent beef with Young Jeezy? Pick up a copy of this book.

The numbers they discuss in relation to moving drugs seem unreal at times; until you realize these guys had a sophisticated drug distribution network that spanned across the entire country. These aren’t the dudes selling hand to hand in the streets. These are the dudes who supply the dudes that supply those dudes. You won’t hear many tales about rival drug corners and drivebys even the murders they committed were on a higher level. Petty turf wars are barely mentioned. These guys were so high up on the food chain that a dealer beefing with them would be like Foot Locker trying to beef with Nike.

The murders detailed in this book vary from what are basically drug-related assassinations of crew members thought to be snitches or people who disrespected a member of B.M.F at an Atlanta nightclub. The post nightclub shooting is a such a recurring theme throughout the book . If not for this particularly dumb brand of violence the B.M.F. could make the claim of being a pretty disciplined organization with strict rules and a thoroughly enforced code of conduct.

The scope and sophistication of the B.M.F. drug network almost begs the question of how successful Demetrius “Big Meech” Flenory and his brother Terry “Southwest T” Flenory would have been if drugs were legal or if they had applied their organizational skills to a legal trade. I’m sure we would be reading about the Flenory Brothers in Fortune, Money, and Black Enterprise magazine. Instead they’ve been forever imprisoned in the publishing ghetto of XXL, The Source, Vibe and F.E.D.S.

While I Was Gone (Deluxe Edition)

I haven't written a post on my blog in a very long time. I think for an aspiring writer I don't write nearly enough. It's just that .... I'm lazy. Fuck it I'll admit it. But on top of being lazy, life is very very busy for me. I was recently married and went on an eleven day European tour. I'll get into more details on the honeymoon later but for now I'm just writing to get used to writing again.

So this blog is just free association right now. I'm just going to go through a few things on my mind. First up shout out to the newest Mrs. Knight, on November 4th we did our thing. It was probably the least stressful wedding day in the history of weddings and we were damn near on time (even if our siblings weren't), probably a record for a black couple. But on a serious note. I got married because I found someone who made me feel like I could conquer the world. She is the primary reason I get out of bed in the morning. She is the reason why I can be so good at a day job that I absolutely despise. I probably wouldn't have graduated from school or started my own business and I probably would have given up blogging a long long time ago if it weren't for her. I'm really at the point where the whole world could hate me as long as she still loves me I'll be fine. I don't get mushy a lot on my blog cuz people don't want to read that... but I love my wife and won't ever be afraid to say it or show it.

Next up ....R.I.P. Joe Frazier. Yeah I know I'm "late" but it's never too late to pay respect to greatness. He was Ali's nemesis, a blue collar hero to counter Ali's flash and arrogance. And while he may have been a victim of the racial politics of his day and unfairly labeled as an Uncle Tom, it was really a love of Ali and not a true hatred of Frazier that fueled that hype. Frazier is the Isaiah Thomas to Ali's Michael Jordan.

While we're on the theme of R.I.P. wow Heavy D? The bun diddly diddly D. I actually owned a few Heavy D records when I used to DJ in the late 90s/ early 2000's and I'll admit that I didn't spin them much, but there was one house party where I threw on "I need somebody to love me" and the party got hype. He might not go down in History as the best heavyweight rapper but him and Chubb rock made it almost cool to be fat and Biggie did the rest.

My blog is always about hip-hop even when it's not about hip-hop. Because I'm 30 years old and I'm black. And let's be honest I'm part of the first generation of people who can't remember a world without hip-hop. (or videogames but later for that). But I've done surprisingly few album/mixtape reviews on my blog since I started in 2006. But it's hard to ignore the flood of releases over the past three weeks. I'm not going to review but I'm going to put a partial list of the recent releases on my iPhone:

Wale - Ambition

L.E.P. Bogus Boys - Now or Neva

Pusha T - Fear of God II

2 Chainz - Tru Realigion
Nipsey Hussle - The Marathon Continues

Mobb Deep - Black Cocaine [EP]

Lloyd Banks - The Cold Corner 2

Lloyd Banks - The Cold Corner 2 (Bonus Disc)

Jim Jones - Vampire Life

Fred The Godson - City of God

Fat Joe - The Darkside Volume 2

Asap Rocky - Live Love

Young Chris - The Revival

Freddie Gibbs - Cold Day In Hell

Nickelus F - Faces

PUSH! Montana - When PUSH! Comes to Shove Vol 2.

Rapper Big Pooh (from Little Brother) - Dirty Pretty Things

And of course ....

Drake - Take Care - I won't write a definitive review but I will say although it's "cool" to diss Drake for being "soft" I enjoyed this album. I think it's an improvement over his first album which I also liked. But then again I'm just a hip-hop head.

Some quick thoughts on the Republican Presidential Campaign:

So far every debate resembles Saturday Night Live's best skits. Every candidate seems to be a caricature of a serious person. And Republican voters, at least the ones being polled are moronic as well. The front runner changes so often it's like they're all women going through their slutty college girl phase. (Shout out to Drexel U.)

Herman Cain is a bigger embarrassment than I originally thought. Rick Perry makes Bush seem like John Nash. Mitt Romney is the Republican John Kerry, he flip-flops so much Latino voters call him "Senor Chancletas". And for the love of God why did Michele Bachman go on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon? Does she have a reality TV show coming out or something?
I have a book of the month post coming up soon for November. I've been ignoring my work all morning plotting the next two weeks of this blog. It helps me feel better about my day job. I promise to write more. (No really I mean it this time) .

Oh and a last minute update please welcome my newborn niece Ailani Knight into the world today she's approximately one hour and 15 minutes old as I write this.

Book Of The Month - Full Dark, No Stars

I've been reading Stephen King so long, you'd think if he had a formula I'd have figured it out by now. Maybe he does have a formula but it's not as obvious as someone like a Dean Koontz or James Patterson, who make Stephen King look like J.D. Salinger with their output.

This book is one of King's compilations of long short stories (or novellas if you prefer). Inside are four stories about people who do foul things and get away with them (sorta). The common theme of keeping dark secrets is on full display and though the motives for the actions are sometimes just, the stories are written in such a way that you'll recognize the worst part of each so-called protagonist. There are little to no saints in this book.

The first story "1922" Tells the story of Nebraska farmer who conspires with his son to murder his wife in order to possess the land that she inherited and was inclined to sell. You'll instantly recognize that this "protagonist" is a selfish evil person destined for doom, but the fun part is reading all the ill that befalls him after he "gets away" with the murder. The story of his son is the one that inspires pity. And because the story is written first person form the point of view of the father, you get inside the head of a man who destroyed his whole family over a 100 acres of farmland. I won't spoil the supernatural twist to the story but this isn't straight up karma at play. Some dark forces are definitely involved. And even if there not a rat bites the teat off of a cow, in one of the most disgusting scenes in Stephen King history.

The second story "Big Driver" deals with the heavy story of a woman being raped. She then rents the "Brave One" a revenge fantasy movie from 2008 starring Jodi Foster and that's all the inspiration she needs. Some may deride King as lazy for so clearly identifying the inspiration for the story. But I find that honesty refreshing, all artists are copycats it's better to indentify your inspiration than to be accused of swagger jacking. The rape scenes aren't graphic but hard to read nonetheless. The fun part starts when she discovers her inner Charles Bronson. This story is unlike those movies in that the main character does actually take time to wonder if she is doing the right thing by seeking revenge. In the end she realizes that more than her own revenge is at sake, because after being left for dead by the rapist she came across evidence of previous victims. Needless to say the fate of the offending party is sealed. And unlike the first story no animals were harmed.

The third story "Fair Extension" is one of those "deal with the devil" stories, where the guy meets a mysterious stranger offering them whatever it is they need most in the world but has to give up something unbearable in return. Except the twist is that all the Devil wants is money and there is no negative karma involved for the protagonist. This is probably the least traumatic "deal with the devil" story ever. And on top of that as a bonus the misfortune that was to fall on him is transferred to the douchebag "friend" that stole his girl in high school.

The fourth story "A Good Marriage" is about a middle aged woman who discovers a shocking secret about her husband. I won't ruin it for you by spelling out the secret here, but let's just say her reaction to it is unexpected. Stephen King gets inside the mind of people you think you recognize and then takes a sharp left turn. The next time I'm watching the news and somebody does something crazy I won't wonder why I'll just re-read this particular story, because art does truly imitate life.

The Five Worst Places To Work.... On TV

Today scripted television is an endangered species as more and more people tune in to watch washed up politicians dance against washed up athletes and washed up actors. Or worse than that are those shows where they find a group of women who have sex with successful men and make them pretend to be friends and argue with each other over who is the best parasite. People like me however (who have to deal with enough bullshit in real life and actually watch television to escape “reality”) occasionally find ourselves using our imaginations. We think, “I wish I was one of those guys who check for DNA on C.S.I. or the smart ass neighbor behind the fence on ‘Home Improvement’”.

In this economic environment we are constantly told about how “lucky” we are just to have jobs. But as someone whose day job actually sucks once said: “Fuck that shit”. As horrible as it is cleaning monkey shit at the zoo everyday your favorite TV shows depict some jobs even more horrible and soul draining than yours. So here below are some companies you should avoid if you ever find yourself stuck inside the TV like John Ritter in Stay Tuned.

#5 Dunder-Mifflin – The Office

What is it?: Dunder-Mifflin is a surprisingly resilient national paper supply company based in New York with regional offices in many states. For the sake of this article we are going to focus on the Scranton branch of DM. Until recently this office was run by Regional Manager Michael Scott. They manage to beat out competitors with better rates due to their customer friendly and extremely familial approach to selling paper.

Why it would suck to work there: Well for one thing Michael Scott is gone and as of right now the replacement is Andy Bernard who has about 75% of Michael’s stupidity and 25% of his charm. Nothing is worse for a small company than an upheaval in management. But over the past seven years with Michael at the helm things haven’t exactly been ideal. If interoffice relationships annoy, disgust or otherwise offend you, be prepared for a new love triangle (and sometimes multiple love triangles) every week. Let’s see: there’s Jim/Pam/Roy, Dwight/Angela/Andy, Jan/Michael/Holly, Andy/Erin/ and what’s his name from parent company Sabre, Pam/Jim/Karen, Phyllis/Bob Vance from Vance Refrigeration/ Bob Vance’s secretary (was that plot ever resolved cuz I stopped watching mid way through season 7) and a few others which escape me right now.

Think the line between your professional and personal life shouldn’t be crossed? Prepare for that line to disappear completely with maximum interference from your co-workers direct manager and sometimes even the HR rep. Are you a minority? Prepare for some hilariously inappropriate remarks and perhaps some misguided sensitivity training which corporate deems mandatory. Got a birthday coming up? Don’t run afoul of Angela and Phyliss the pair of them have been in an epic struggle for control of the party-planning committee since 2004.

Add to that the fact that your job security at the Scranton branch is pretty good unless you’ve been transferred from another branch and then chances are you’ll end up quitting by the end of the first episode you show up in.

And what’s with the cameras? What are they doing with all that footage? If the company is in such financial trouble why don’t they fire the two to three camera crews that follow around the gang constantly (Jim and Pam’s wedding, to the baby being born, company outings, job interviews with other companies, client visits, medical procedures, sex!!!) for the past 8 years. If I allowed my job that kind of access I wouldn’t accept paper sales commission as my main form of compensation. Also think about the loss of productivity if the entire staff of your office had to be interviewed several times a day for a documentary that’s never coming out.

Bonus: if you're black scroll back up and take a look at Darryl go ahead I'll wait....... His expression says it all.

#4 Springfield Nuclear Power Plant – The Simpsons

What is it?: If for some reason you’re new to the Simpsons, I apologize on behalf of Matt Groening the show was actually good once (to be fair this show wanted to die but none of the voice actors has a credible career outside of the show so when it’s time re-up nobody bows out). The Springfield Nuclear Power Plant powers the fictional town of Springfield, somemidwestern State, USA. Note: You can tell it’s a Midwestern town because it’s mostly obese inhabitants are a peculiar shade of yellow and aren’t very bright. The plant is run by Montgomery Burns who is modeled off the man who owns the company that this show is broadcast on. Homer Simpson has been promoted, demoted, fired and re-hired so many times it’s hard to remember that his proper job title at one point is Safety Inspector. (In the last 8 or so seasons Homer doesn’t appear to actually go to work much so maybe he’s been promoted to Section Manager)

Why it would suck to work there: First of all Mr. Burns is a sociopath. He regularly belittles even his most trusted employees and shows little concern for the feelings of anyone with the exception of his raggedy teddy bear. If you have any moral compunction about destroying the environment, dumping toxic waste into lakes, producing three-eyed fish named Blinky, and distributing misleading pro-nuclear propaganda to school age children then this is definitely NOT the job for you.

Secondly the Safety Inspector’s name is Homer J. Simpson, even people who don’t watch the show know that Homer (as well as his disciples Peter Griffin, Stan Smith, and Cleveland Brown) is an idiot. Homer who at first was well-meaning but generally incompetent has devolved over the years into a barely functional retard. But the bigger concern here is Homer’s negligence. Over the years he has moonlighted at every job imaginable from prison warden to managing a country-western singer to astronaut. His frequent jaunts to exotic locales and months without even clocking in at the office have most likely resulted in the Power Plant being out of standard and in violation of every safety and environmental standard in the book The only reason the power plant survives is because of Ruper- uh I mean Montgomery Burn’s extreme wealth and the rampant corruption in Springfield Mayor Quimby’s City Hall.

#3 Counter Terrorist Unit – 24

What is it?: CTU is an elite government agency staffed with computer nerds, engineers, bureaucrats, and badass field agents who specialize in torturing terrorists and then cutting immunity deals for these same terrorists when the torture doesn’t work. They have prevented several nuclear and biological attacks on the country, mostly from within a 50 mile radius of Los Angeles (with less popular adventures in the Washington D.C. and New York area).

Why it would suck to work there: As much as Jack Bauer’s life sucks I’m not talking about him or Chloe for that matter. (I’ll explain why a little later). The average CTU employee is a techie engineer or nerd of some sort. These people toil under immense pressure and deadlines where being even seconds late with information can lead directly (or indirectly) to the deaths of thousands of people. But that’s not the worst part. The show 24 only depicts 8 days over the span of about 12 years. For the majority of the time CTU is not in crisis mode. Imagine being a newbie and on your first day an epic disaster occurs, a presidential candidate is under threat of assassination, terrorists have kidnapped the secretary of state, or several nuclear bombs go off in the Los Angeles area. Your mind would explode.

Also someone must contact OSHA about the unsafe and unfair work practices at CTU. Have you seen what happens when an employee goes to the bathroom on that show? I guarantee that after about 90 seconds someone busts in the bathroom “looking” for that employee and pretty much demanding that they leave the restroom and get back to their workstation. Also when do they eat? Eight seasons and never once did Chloe say to anyone “Hey, anybody wanna order Chinese?”

Also for a government agency responsible for the lives and security of 300 million Americans the background checks to get in CTU are extremely lax. Every season a Mole whose background is so shady he wouldn’t get hired by FEMA under the Bush Administration, manages to infiltrate CTU and assist the terrorists. But before they catch the mole the wrong person will be accused and subsequently tortured.

Let’s not forget about Rules And Protocols, they are for you and most CTU employees except for Jack Bauer and Chloe O’Brien they pretty much do what they want to do with little or no consequences. You on the other hand can be fired, and jailed for most of the things that they do. The Chinese were the only ones with the courage to actually make Jack pay for his various crimes against humanity. Such as violating the sovereignty of another nation’s embassy, ignoring the Geneva convention, habeas corpus, due process, Miranda rights, executing and beheading a federal witness, using heroin on duty, the Kyoto protocols (he drives SUVs almost exclusively), and screaming “damn it we’re running out of time” or some variation of such at least once every 4 hours.

(Also there’s a fairly good chance that if you’re name isn’t Jack Bauer or Chloe O’Brien, you might die). R.I.P. Terry Bauer, Nina Myers, Michelle Dessler, Bill Buchanan, Ryan Chappelle, Edgar Styles, Milo Pressman, Curtis , David Palmer, Graham Bauer, Paul Raines, etc etc etc …………..

#2 The New York Yankees – Seinfeld

What is it?: The New York Yankees have been buying championships since at least the Babe Ruth deal. It is the most loved and consequently most hated sports franchise in America (sorry Dallas Cowboys). For many decades though the team was ruled by a mercurial owner by the name of George Steinbrenner. He had become hated amongst Yankees fans by the mid 90’s for his meddling and willingness to trade players and fire managers at the drop of a dime. But still in fictional Jerry Seinfeld’s world working for the Yankees was the same dream job it is in the real universe. Or at least it seemed that way until George Constanza stumbled his way into a position as assistant to the traveling secretary.

Why It Would Suck To Work There: Well probably for the same reason it would have sucked to work there in real life and that’s mainly because George Steinbrenner who in reality acted like a caricature of an inept owner, was a caricature of the actual George Steinbrenner. (Take a second to think about how bad that is.) Also the train wreck that is George Constanza’s career would have some effect on your life eventually.

The Yankees were a mess when Costanza arrived. They were a team desperate to field a winner after years of futility. George C sealed it on his job interview by cussing out George S when given an opportunity to speak with him. That the Yankees would arbitrarily hire someone with no experience or qualifications to be a mid-level staffer after insulting the team’s owner says a lot about fake Steinbrenner’s decision making process.

During the reign of terror of the Two Georges, people were fired for eating Kung Pow chicken, George C was put in charge of procuring Calzones for George S, George C inadvertently gave his secretary a salary higher than his by blurting out “I’m giving you a raise!!!” during sex and than asking George S. to make good on his promise. George Constanza was promoted when he accidentally got his manager (a black guy by the name of Morgan) fired. And eventually Costanza’s career with the Yankees ended when he was traded to Tyson’s chicken by Steinbrenner.

How would you have fared under such mismanagement? Perhaps you would have been lucky enough to stay out of the path of George S. but George C’s shenanigans affected everyone from the staff to the fans to the players. In one example he infamously introduced 100% cotton uniforms to the players, which promptly shrunk after one rain delay. Also ask George’s first boss Morgan (the black guy who looked like Sugar Ray Leonard) who was fired because of George’s involuntary wink. Shit like that just seems to happen around Costanza.

#1 Princeton‑Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (PPTH) – House

What is it? This is a prestigious hospital in an affluent area of New Jersey within close proximity of an Ivy League university. One of the top emergency clinics, surgical practice, and one of the few diagnostic teams for rare ailments in the coun- no in the world. The top medical minds and the most affluent patients all seem to flock to this hospital. Also when other doctors at other hospitals are stumped they all refer their patients to see Dr. House and his revolving team of medical specialists.

Why it would suck: If you’ve ever seen the show then you know why it sucks to work at this hospital. Basically Dr. House is a major dick. Whether you’re his employee, his boss, his colleague, his girlfriend, his patient or just the guy in line behind him at the cafeteria he can make everyday of your life excruciating. Here are some examples:

Imagine spending years studying at a prestigious college, to go to a prestigious medical school and learning to be the best in your field, and finally being hired at one of the top hospitals in the country …. mainly because you’re a black guy that knows how to pick locks. How about having a hospital director who excuses, tolerates and at times condones the behavior of her most problematic employee because she has a huge lady-crush on him and later has a relationship with him? It’s obvious that Dr. House is brilliant and when he’s actually interested in your case and not in the middle of one of his drug-induced hallucinations he’s managed to save plenty of people from flesh-eating testicle cancer.

But imagine being a doctor in another department, constantly demeaned, undermined, humiliated and disrespected by the hospital director’s resident “genius”. Imagine witnessing a scared patient with a weird disease that’s going to kill him in a few days, hours or minutes, having to deal with an arrogant, unscrupulous, self-righteous asshole that makes the rules, breaks the rules, and judges everyone who shows even a bit of emotion in the face of death to be a moron.

Imagine being the janitorial staff that has to clean up after the guy who let farm animals loose in the hospital, or poisoned a staff member with a laxative as a prank. Consider being the pharmacist being audited by the DEA after discovering that his signature has been forged on over eighty prescriptions for Vicodin. Dr House is by all means a sociopath (I'm using that word a lot these days) with a severe case of Asperger’s Syndrome but I imagine that now that House’s safety net/punching bag/boss/girlfriend/the only reason he ever had to give a fuck about anything, is gone I’m sure he’ll be a pleasure to work with.

Uncle Herman's Cabin

Calling Herman Cain an Uncle Tom is an insult to Uncle Tom. (Not that any of us who use the phrase have actually read Harriet Beecher Stowe's novel Uncle Tom's Cabin in the first place.) Herman Cain has more in common with M.C. Hammer. As a matter of fact I propose we use the phrase M.C. Hammer to describe someone whose career will be over as soon as old white people are no longer amused by his dancing and rapping.

Herman Cain is an insult to the black voter in this country, the same way Sarah Palin is an insult to the female voter. John McCain cynically nominated Sarah Palin in 2008 because he wanted to capitalize on all the women who felt that Barack Obama denied Hilary her right to the White House. In her first speech as the nominee she grabbed up a handful of the women who were voting for Hilary just because she was a woman but it turns out that most women are still Democrat-leaning in this country. And once they found out she was a bimbo whose intellect would be a mere moon in Hilary's orbit they ditched Palin and now she's reduced to being a traveling freak show, who "writes" books, "stars" in reality shows, "commentates" for Fox News, and pimps out her hypocritical whore of a daughter to Dancing With The Stars.

Herman Cain likewise is a retard. But in the Republican Party that's par for the course. The only G.O.P. candidate with any intellectual heft is Jon Huntsman and fittingly he's at the bottom of the pack. In 2011 the phrase "conservative intellectual" is quickly becoming an oxymoron, kind of like "moderate Republican" or "reasonable compromise". Herman Cain says black people vote Democrat because we're brainwashed, as if Lyndon Johnson didn't sign the Civil Rights Act of 1964 causing a mass exodus of southern racists to the Republican Party. That event was so powerful it moves the current of American Politics even to this day.

We shouldn't question the motives of people who vote Democrat. I'll question the motives of democratic politicians but not the voters. Here's the difference: Politicians exaggerate their own abilities in order to win elections. They oversimplify issues and they all want to seem as if they represent the common man. However once in office the policies they enact reflect the reality of the two party system. It's an arms race to raise campaign cash. Because of this even the most well meaning Democrat has to put a check on his crusade to actually help people. Democratic voters are just people who recognize that there is an uneven playing field and seek someone with intelligence and compassion to level it out. There may be a certain naïveté in that, but we are not delusional.

Republicans essentially run on the platform of "fuck you, help yourself" and they get poor white people to buy into it, by creating the specter of the "Other". You know the "Welfare Queen" or the Illegal Immigrant with a driver's liscense whose kids get to go to our schools etc etc. Their politics is the politics of separation. The politics of fear, and the politics of hate. So I laugh at any so-called fiscal conservative, or social conservative who trumpets the horn of Herman Cain. You are sacrificing your true principles for the Godfather Pizza guy.

Racism is so powerful that no one is above it. Racial conflict is at the root of all of this country's problems foreign and domestic. But if you're are black you can not point out, acknowledge, or even discuss race without being accused of pulling the race card. Every once in awhile the right wing presents us with someone like Michael Steele or Herman Cain so they can trumpet the lie that your skin color is irrelevant in regards to your success. "Look at Herman Cain, he's the perfect example". It's the political equivalent of "I have black friends".

Herman Cain is either one of two things. He's a self-hating black man whose seeks the acceptance of the establishment. Or he's a deluded misguided puppet being directed by a cabal of handlers who think "best case scenario we get a black guy to say all the inappropriate things that we are not allowed to say". So he can go on TV and tell us to take our bedroom slippers off and go out and get a job. An insultingly racist attack leveled at blacks essentially blaming us for our own disproportionately high unemployment rate. He can re-Cosby-fy the political conversation in America. Become the poster child for the fabled Black American success story. He can prove that Affirmative Action isn't necessary, because obviously the Black experience is the same as everybody else's.

Here's the flaw in the plan of these Republican political strategists. The people who you've been pandering to for the last 48 years are increasingly hostile towards Blacks. If the choice is Herman Cain or Barack Obama many of them will abstain from voting. There are too many people who are so un-colorblind that they won't be able to see the difference. Herman Cain can't win the Republican nomination. Although I'm sure secretly President Obama wishes he would. Because unlike 2008 I doubt he wants to run on the issues. I'm pretty certain that Obama relishes the distractions because every time they try to take him down with something frivolous he bobs and weaves and knocks it the fuck out.

I've never been fond of the Republican message but it sounds just plain retarded coming from the CEO (or former CEO) of a big corporation. "The government is too big, it's broken". The government is broken because of the undue influence of huge corporations. So why the hell would we elect a CEO of a huge corporation to be President?

And while we're on the subject what the hell is Godfather Pizza? I live in Philly and I've never heard of it. I've heard of Pizza Hut, Domino's, Lil Caesar's , Papa John's, Sbarro's, California Pizza Kitchen, Uno Pizza, Chuck E. Cheese, but not one Godfather Pizza. I'm hesitant to even Google it because it sounds like some shit that just doesn't belong here, like Piggly-Wiggly, Hardee's or Jack-in-the-Box. It's probably some disgusting prefabricated frozen-for-optimal-reheating bullshit that helps keep Midwesterners the second fattest group of people in America (behind Philadelphians but we're fat because our food actually tastes GOOD).

The bottom line is this Herman Cain is the sick punch line to any unfunny joke. His economic plan 9 9 9 is a strategy that economists laugh at. (9 percent flat income tax, 9 percent national sales tax, and 9 percent "business" tax). Under his plan the majority of people including the beleaguered "middle class" will probably pay a little more taxes, while corporations already taxed at the lowest rate since the 50's will pay even less. He hasn't even made to the general election yet before showing us the true intentions of his masters.

P.S. (What's so exciting about Herman Cain? If he was white wouldn't he be just another Republican Douchebag).